Team Member Bios

1. No one may have anything to do with the writing of their own bio.
2. Each bio must contain at least one true statement.
3. Each bio must contain at least one false statement. (This is more of an explanation than a rule)

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Grad Bios	Grad Pics
Mike Genovese Mike Genovese, more commonly known as Duffman, was the result of a love affair between Shirley Ann Jackson and a bottle of Sam Adams. His early years in the jungles of east Asia were never easy for him. He killed his first tiger at age five. However, after the village chief determined that it was not a tiger, but, in fact, a handful of rocks in a painted PriceChopper bag, Mike was exiled from his village. Devastated by both the exile from the village and the loss of his favorite hat, he learned the thumber, and vowed the destroy anyone who came within 150 feet of his new home, an underground cave in the lowland plains of Africa. One day, a Trudge talent scout stumbled upon his humble abode. Keeping his distance, the scout invited Mike to come to a land where the beer flows like wine and where the women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. He was talking about Troy, NY. Mike agreed, despite thinking the French were arseholes. He has been playing with Trudge ever since. With that life decision, Mike transformed himself from a man, to a myth, and eventually, into a legend.
Zac Hilton Fact: Zac is the illegitimate child of the Iron Giant and Janet Reno. Consequently, he led a life of stern love and gender uncertainty. Zac practices chemistry: both in, out, and in between the lab. Zac hopes to use his knowledge of the inner workings of atoms to one day bring his child hood hero, Sherry Lewis, back to life. In his spare time, he is putting his finishing touches on his script for the Broadway production of 2 Fast 2 Furious.

Seniors' Bios	Seniors' Pictures
Doug Totten A newcomer to both the sport and a late addition to RPI's team, Doug has surprised with his abilities to learn and apply new techniques and improve as an athlete, as well as quickly bond in comaraderie with his teammates, fitting in well with the existing team. It's too bad this isn't RPI Diving - it's TRUDGE. Not surprisingly, Doug seems to feel at home in and around water; so much so that rumor says he was conceived over a waterfall (which he, as a 1-hour old fetus dove off) and floated down the Hudson to be recovered by and forced into the Institute, where he spent his early years as an animal research project, changing his very perceptions. Sources have spotted Doug awake at 6am in the shower on a Saturday and reported witnessing a change in mental and physical state as he consumed what could only be described as a bottled life-force. No TRUDGE member has ever seen this illusive creaure out of this apparent altered state, so Doug's true identity is still as dark and mysterious as his underwear.
Chris Weyers Every American and their mother's know that the cold war was a war of economic pressure, selective aid, intimidation, diplomatic maneuvering, propaganda, assassination, low-intensity military operations, full-scale proxy war and one sick game of ultimate from 1947 until the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991. What most Americans do not know is the truth behind the brutal downfall of the Commie Bastards; Chris Weyers, the legitimate boy toy of a high catholic Russian priest. Purchased from the Norwegian Mafia in 1976 and kept in the confessionals until old enough for his first sexual encounter, Chris Weyers developed a deep hate for Jesus at a young age. Swearing once he escaped he would never have any ties to the religion again, he began gnawing off his foreskin at the sign of his first incisor. One day while teaching Chris the "ropes" of the religion, the High Priest discovered a lack of entire man-hood. Still having deep anti-Semitic feelings, the priest kicked Chris out of the church, the biggest loss to Christianity since Hitler. At subzero temperatures the Priest was nice enough to give Chris one glass of hot chocolate, which by a miracle lasted him 8 days and 8 nights, ironically the same amount of time it took Christ to travel to Berlin. By the end of this journey Chris was approximately 18 years old, and an expert on Chicken Farming. In fact, the only thing that kept him going on his journey was a small, circular object of approximately 175g he found clutched in the hands of a 7 year old. Once in Berlin Chris entered the trade of Chicken stuff. Chris' product was so finger licking' good, Gorbachev himself was a frequent costumer. Realizing he could never get rich in a communist country, Chris promised Gorbachev free chickens for life in exchange for defectment to the US. Gorbachev, being a fat fat man, couldn't resist. The next day the US agreed to take in Chris in exchange for the collapse of the Berlin Wall. Chris moved to Kentucky where he learned a secret recipe involving frying his chickens. Chris can now be recognized by almost every person in America. In fact, his picture is on hundreds of thousands of signs all around the nation. He goes by the name The Late Colonel Sanders. To this day they say if you go to any KFC and listen closely you can hear the sound of Gorbachev having digestive problems from all the fried chicken.
Andrew Emhof A long time ago, far, far west on I-90 lived a happy couple of Buffalonians under a suburban park bench. All they had for a living were the instruments they were left with, and a discs for donations. After nine long years of suburban metal park-bench punk funk rock, they collected enough money to have a son, who at the age of one was already plucking bass and grabbing disc. He would become known as only: The Hoff. The trio gained popularity worldwide, even affording a house and tuition to the School of Rock. Their boy would be inspired, preaching the teachings of the park-bench gods, reminding you to always tip your musicians, and living as an example of what happens when discs make money.
Steve Calebrese Steve Calebrese is the love child of Barbara Striesan and gay Bigfoot. Barbara is noted to have shot up black tar heroine during pregnancy. Due to this, Steve's height post-puberty was in fact 3 feet 11 inches. The gay Bigfoot, ashamed of his abnormally small child, cast Steve away at the age of 17. It was here that Steve stumbled into a robot monkey and in a death-defying game of Ro-Sham, Steve was able to win the robot monkey's arms and legs. The monkey being an ultimate world champion of seven years, Steve found himself unusually tall and able to pick discs out of the air with the ease of a buffalo humping a dead buffalo. Steve constantly changes the color of his hair to hide his identity, still ashamed of his past. He hopes to one day gain respect from his gay father.
Andrew MacEwan Andrew MacEwan has no known parents. He was found by a sheep herder deep in the rolling hills of Scotland at the age of 6. For the better part of his teenage years he could have been found riding/molesting sheep in the meadows of his adoptive father's farm. He honed his frisbee skills by participating in the old Scottish game of stone putting. After eating his adoptive parents at the age of 16, he rowed a boat westward to avoid police. He landed on a beach days later, only to instantly join a game of beach ultimate. The rest is history.
Eric Twomey Born in a small mining community in northern Nunavut Territory, Canada, Eric Twomey was the product of an albino Eskimo woman and a former German bodybuilder named Franz. In his younger and more vulnerable years, Eric spent most of his days lifting weights and bulking up, with the aid of numerous anabolic steroids. On New Year's Eve 1999, following a 12-day binge of Dianabol (to "get ready for the new 'Willennium'"), tragedy struck as his body literally emptied itself of all muscle mass. He was rushed to a hospital in Swainsboro, Georgia, the only institution capable of treating such problems. During one subsequent surgury, to add support to his withered ribcage, doctors installed a bowl in his chest (making him the only current member of TRUDGE capable of eating a bowl of cereal using only himself). One day, while eating a lunch following one of his physical therapy sessions, Eric suddenly jumped up, grabbed two whole apple pies, and ran out the door into the deep woods of Georgia, all for a reason unknown to even himself. While in the woods, he stumbled upon three country folk, who threatened to rape him. Acting quickly, Eric forehanded the pie tins, killing two, and injuring the third. It was at this very moment that he knew he had found his true love. Eric is now unsuccessfully trying to gain the respect of his father, Franz, by way of injuring hundreds of innocent children with pie tins.
Jennie McKain Some children are said to have been born with a silver spoon in their mouths, but Jennie McKain was born with a silver disk between her fingers. As the years past Jennie mastered the fundamental elements of ultimate frisbee; disk wielding and beer chugging, over and over in Andover, Mass. By summer 2005 she lead the Eastern Massachusetts Ultimate Youth team to place 3rd at Nationals. With this new acclaimed status she was recruited and accepted into the high ranks of RPI's TRUDGE team where she represents the ass-kickingness that only a true beer chugging woman of ultimate can bring. It has been brought.
Kendra Krueger Kendra, the only current homeless member of Trudge, was raised by the leaders of the famous Haley's comet cult. She narrowly escaped the planned death and has been living on the street since, eating cans of dog food and drinking her favorite beverage, malt liquor. Despite having no possessions, Kendra seems to lose everything she owns, sometimes even her clothes. That may explain the naked black, no wait, half black girl you saw running around RPI's campus. After Kendra's one month vow of celibacy she has decided to join the convent and become the second most famous black nun, next to Whoopie, look for her in the upcoming feature film, sister act VII.

Juniors' Bios	Juniors' Pictures
Eric Dzien Sorting through the sordid past of Eric Dzien will lead you through a world of false aliases, heavy weaponry, and bad dumps. Rubix and JJ are just two of the aliases which Trudge was able to dig up and no one packs a bigger potato gun than him. He is wanted in France for murder with the description: 3' black shadow which climbs the walls and stalks the night. Only a constant state of fear keeps us from turning him in. In his encounters in Northern Russia during the Cold War he developed an addiction to hard liquor and allergic reaction to beer. No one is sure how he came to RPI, but it probably involved deception and a sexy secretary. When a star becomes massive enough, it collapses upon itself to become something called a Black Hole. When a muscle becomes massive enough, it collapses upon itself to become something called JJ.
Jimmy Kiselak Jimmy is the rarest of individuals. The bikini wearing porn loving type. His parents tried to clone Hugh Heffner by stealing some DNA of Hugh's off of his sheets, but a bit of Dennis Rodman's DNA was left there from an encounter earlier that night. Because of that, he has some slight cross-dressing urges. Also he's really tall and black. Jimmy is not to be underestimated. He was voted "most likely to snap and kill everyone" in high school and everyone on Trudge is terrified of him. Luckily though, only Rudy has felt his wrath thus far.
Jon Heslin All kidding aside...Jon is only one quarter human. He is also one quarter New England gangster, one quarter lobster, one quarter green monster, and one quarter skyscraper. He was born John (with the H), but in the process of Zac Hilton'ing Zach Hilton, the H was ripped off during the "incidental contact" and became permanently attached to Zach's name. Jon has an odd condition called nonautohydrolibation which causes him to drink only when told to. This rare condition causes Jon to only enjoy himself when other veteran members of Trudge are present. Due to his vow of silence, the only other known fact about Jon is that he can jump. P.S You know you know Jon's gay?
Nico Sayavedra As the only current member without facebook, very little is known about the one called "the Duke" other than the lies he leaves when he shows up to practice. The current theory, scientists believe, is that "Nico" is a shortened, modernized spelling of an unpronounceably long child's name in old Entish. When observing his behaviors, this Entish root (pun most definitely intended) can be seen in not only the Duke's uniquely branch-like physique and bark-like skin, but in his lack of regard for haste and punctuality. Indeed, the Duke does preside over his forest and you can bet he'll be there...later.

Sophomores' Bios

Sophomores' Pictures

Mitchell Smolen What is "Mitch"? How do you define "Mitch". Contrary to most humans, Mitch is comprised mostly of Argon gas. The result of a "Will it Blend" Experiment, featuring a duck, a beaver, a frisbee and Journey's hit single "Don't Stop Believing", Mitch found his beginnings on this earth as a retarded and severly injured, platypus. Hoping to find his way in this "lonely world", Mitch took a midnight train going anywhere, which happened to be right into the arms of a fifteen year old girl. Now living his life as a pedophile, Mitch seeks refuge on TRUDGE, a team of ugly rejects, who also shares his affection for younger women. He is trying to get an Aero-Mechy degree so that he may one day be the Michelin Man, but for now he is just Michelin until he gets the man part down.

Alumni Bios	Alumni Pictures
Sean Frick Sean Frick loves to huck. And duck. And suck. Unable to digest dairy and sugar, his diet consists of nothing but Canadian bacon preserves, dehydrated ketchup, and crunchy fried fetus poppers. In tribute to his favorite film, Waterworld, he filters and drinks his own urine. Most of the team expects Sean to die in a horrific accident while he is attempting to replicate SureClean windshield wiper fluid.
Alex Grintsvayg He will tell you he grew up in the Ukraine. What he won't tell you is what makes him the Alex Grintsvayg we all know today. Weighing in at 238 lbs, you'd suspect something was different considering his slim figure. And nobody that hairy has the smile you'll see condescendingly smeared across his face 24 hours a day. The fact of the matter is that the Grintsvaygs are communist bastards. Or were, I should say. Born a normal communist boy in soviet Russia he shared everything. When there was only one sled in Siberia, he would take turns with the other 476 children in town; and when there was only one raccoon on the dinner table, Alex Grintsvayg was content with his modest portion. When the Russian commies fell, the Grintsvaygs were devastated, their way of life shattered. Fleeing with the rest of their 275 relatives, they developed a small, isolated commune in Ukraine just north of Kiev. Unfortunately, the ignorant, news-deprived Grintsvaygs knew nothing of the Dnieper River and the radioactive water flowing from Chornobyl in the North. Drinking the water everyday slowly made them grow obscene amounts of hair and radiate with a soft, jaundice-like, yellow glow. It also ate away at their communist roots. Nobody could stand sharing anymore, especially the little one known as Grinny. A once sharing fanatic now found almost an evil happiness in stealing precious warm clothes and eating everything in the ice box. Over the course of the next 10 years, Grinny would actually eat all the other Grintsvaygs before leaving the scene of the crime to attend RPI. Grins' incredibly innate ultimate intelligence is due mostly to the 275+ human brains he has consumed, not counting the ones he has saved in his dorm fridge. The current trudge team lives in constant fear of the day Alex Grintsvayg runs out of brain food.
Jeremy 'Batman' Kauffman In order to achieve world piece, Batman was conceived via Yeti sperm and Ugli fruit extract, and gestated to term in a marsupial's pouch. Batman first tasted meat at eighteen years of age. It was Robin's. He has recently opted to grow a beard in order to have more body hair than his girlfriend. It is widely accepted that he is the best looking member of Trudge.
Tracy van Dyk Tracy Van Dyk is a woman like no other! With her extreme agility and speed like a wild mustang, you better be careful! She'll roll up and smoke any defender who tries to come near her. Protected by the power of the Nuvaring, she's not afraid to f*** things up. With her startling muscle mass, it's no surprise that Tracy's main export is pain. Thankfully, she hates the Yankees intensely, because everyone knows they suck large hard black wang.
Andrew Prince Let's not beat around the bush; Andrew Prince is fat... and hairy. During a time out at college sectionals he was witnessed to have devoured a teen boy who had recently eaten a small child. Andrew has recently learned how to fly a plane, which still hasn't helped him become a member of the mile high club. Or the sea level club for that matter. We do however have strong evidence that he has had sex with a woman on a hill of small elevation.
Rich Alimi This man was born out of an obsession for the movie weird science. The producers were such huge nerds that they spawned this creature just from their thoughts. Because he was never afforded the luxury of a gestation period he has the ability to use only two numbers and a forehand that goes directly into the ground. His perpetual love affair with the number one told him to go to graduate school early and go to a school known for producing the likes of George Bush, so he could pursue his parents dream of creating a beautiful woman with a computer in the suburbs of Connecticut... and now for something completely different: He eats a lot, I mean the guy is a bottomless pit, what is up with that?
Thomas Hermann Immaculately conceived in a tool shed in western New York, Thomas Hermann was raised by an Episcopal minister and a Tibetan monk. He learned to surf and play guitar at the age of seven and a half, and was raised on a steady diet of applesauce and meditation. As an adult, he loves to fart and poop. One day, he aspires to be the first man to construct the entire perimeter of a state with two ply quilted toilet paper.
Maggie Masella While most people believe that Maggie Masella is an honest, sincere, genuine, good-natured, sweet, and loving person, they are dead wrong. Buried deeply beneath Maggie's smiles, head shakes, and conductor hats, lies a deeply sinister plot with apocolyptic consequences. Maggie is actually a transfigured form of Agaliarept, a grand general of Hell and commander of the second legion. In the late '50s, her father, Baal'zebub received the Quaker Oats company in trade for a three legged pony for the CEO's daughter Eliza. Since that point in time, B to the Z has been putting small pieces of people's souls into Aunt Jamima's pancake syrup. In addition to making the pancake syrup more delicious, it also slowly corrups the persons soul so that they will fuel the eternal fires of Hell. In the 2000's, with the advent of the Atkins diet, pancake syrup sales were at an all time low. 'bub feared that with the downturn in souls the fires of hell would go out. He sent Maggie to Earth to remedy the problem. Since then she has been cooking pancakes at a furious rate in order to spur Aunt Jamima syrup sales. Already she has been responsible for the corruption of thousands of souls. So be warned, behind that 5'2" frame and 6" smile is at least 15 feet of maleficent corruption.

Groupies' Bios	Groupies' Pictures
Eli Pearson Deep in the grasslands of Djibouti lived a lonely Wookie. This Wookie went out one day and met Princess Toadstool. It was love at first sight for the pair, so they went to Dr. X to apply for a test-tube baby. 2 weeks later, the test-tube baby, which they named Eli, was ready to come home. When he was little, he helped watch for the predatorial goombas. While on a scouting expedition, Eli wandered too far away. Suddenly, a pink blue footed booby came out of the bushes and picked up Eli (a certain herculean task!) and brought him to America. He was dropped off over RPI, landing on his head on HooBev's parking lot. He was adopted by Sean Frick and became a Frisbee groupie. Now he is our friendly neighborhood Djiboutian E-wump.
Jeremy 'Doughnuts' McNamara Right in the heart of Ireland a small boy was conceived at the rainbows end. The claim is that his father was the king of the Leprechauns and that his mother was a Fairy. Wanting their child to experience a world beyond the fantasies they lived in they gave their child the suit of a human ,and at the mere age of one packaged him up in a box and gripping tightly to a mug of Guinness he was sent off to America to live the life his parents longed their little boy to have. Raised by a Great Dane on the streets of NYC, he learned how to talk and walk by the people he watched outside his alley way. One day when he came home to his alley he learned that his Dane had left him to be a calendar model. Deeply saddened by this he ran away and now resides in Troy, NY. In search for belonging he soon found a family on the RPI campus called Trudge who quickly embraced him. He now finds happiness in playing Frisbee solely for the chance at winning a milkshake. Still dwelling in his pass life, he compulsively buys every dog calendar he sees in hopes of finding his beloved Great Dane. He continues to drink Guinness in remembrance of his dear parents and it might even be said that Guinness comprises 99% of his bodily make up. This Leprechaun half breed is now called J Mac and is probably doing an Irish jig outside your window. Go look!!!